The night that changed it all..!!!

It has become only recently apparent to me why there was only one 'book on tape" that would remotely interest me that night at the Hastings in Russellville about this time last year...

I was just looking for a little company via a 'book on tape' for the 90 minute ride home...Little did I know that the lack of consumer choice that night would change my life...

After listening to this book in its entirety 3 times, I called a couple of God chasing buddies and discussed the issues contained within...We all agreed that this book would be perfect for us and for our group at church, which was in desperate need of a fresh infusion of spiritual meat to chew on...

The book was Waking the Dead by John Elderdge...I had passed over this book many times in bookstores, but that night in the Hastings, it really was my only choice...NOTE: (I do not include any Word of Faith/Health & Wealth books as spiritual choices to pick from)....

The encounter I had with God through our true exposition of this book I thought would have lasting effects on our group as a whole and only in part for me as it dealt with my involvement with the group: Fighting for one another, building a "redemptive powerhouse" from within our group, guarding and protecting our hearts....We have done a lot of talking and reminding, but it has sort of fissiled a little, as we thought it may...But we have made the effort and fought many battles...

However, little did I know that I was reading that book for me, for this night, as I sit at this computer...My heart is being torn apart at current...Some of the issues that weigh on my heart have been previously discussed in this blog.....People who are making decisions at my church have my heart in their hands and I pray that it is handled well...But past history with church people and my heart have very seldom turned out well...

I do not want to get caught in the middle of the frenzy but I do want the desires that God has placed within me to soar...I also have competing desires within that do not want to go through the pain of my heart ignored, mistreated, misunderstood (as is usual most of the time for me) or broken...And I find myself upon that precipice that brings all of the aforementioned into play and possibility...

Truth is my heart has broken in this manner too many time before and I am not, at this time, willing to take the risk again...May the Lord grant me His peace and wisdom that surpasses all human understanding...May He speak to the deepest parts of my heart has He has done so many times this year...

In recent days, I have drawn from the words of Waking the Dead many times...I have been encouraged, confronted and haunted by them...I fear that I may lose heart...I fear that I will lose heart...I fear that my talent is fading fast...I fear that I have been on a different ride than many of the people within my church...It seems I am hearing a lot of fear right now...

The passions within my heart have been shared by me to whoever would listen this year...Those passions call me to pursue God with all that I am and I want others to come along with me...And I know more than anything that music alone cannot do it...Much more has to be brought to the table, but it seems that music is the only way in the door...

And after 12 months, it hits me, all that has been on my heart these last days, and after all that I have endured in 2008 and after all that we have fought for, who would have known, the book was meant for me the whole time...

SDG

JW